going home

Date: Sunday, June 7, 2009
Time: 7:19 AM

negative

i just felt that way all of a sudden.

it felt tight, ripping the insides of me apart. what hurts even more was reading weijie's blog. that was even much more heartwrenching. listening to the whole album of Secondhand Serenade sure spiralled me to the depths below.

i've been waiting. 10 minutes. 20, 30 minutes. i felt the urge to call but i know i wont get the answer that i want. i wanted to call weijie to pour my heart out but my family's home; he's hurt enough anyway. life's a real torture, i dont know what's wrong with me. i dont know why i keep thinking.

i can see that they have been trying to accommodate to my present mood but it isnt helping. sometimes i wish they would just stop asking questions. the weekends were long and they past fast. it's almost the end of the 19th of May '08. i've wasted my time. i tried doing my work. i stared at the questions and penned them down on my paper. the clock ticked by and nothing else was written. what am i doing?

i want some time. i need some time. i miss my grandparents especially my grandmother. i wish she was here to listen to me. i miss her house and the times when my cousins, uncles and aunties would get together for a gathering. i vividly remembered how ignorant i was when she passed away. i was ill, sick, throughout her funeral and didnt know what death was. my maid carried me down to my grandmother's coffin and i stared and asked, "why is ah ma so white?"

that must be the most ridiculous question ever asked by me when im facing a dead person. i was so oblivious to my surroundings but my parents didnt reprimand me because i was still young. now im filled with regrets, i wish she was still alive. i wanna watch tv programmes with her and if possible, play mahjong with her now. we can play blackjack too, with all my cousins and brother.

i miss the food she cooked, the soup she boiled. i miss the kueh she made and myself squatting beside her, trying to learn how to roll the dough and such. i miss her kitchen, i miss her room. i miss that long flight of stairs that i always sit and hide myself from the group of adults sitting at the dining table chatting. i miss the days my cousins and i played hide and seek.

every now and then, whenever my father drives along Still Road, i would request him to drive into Lorong G to see unit 11. it looks different now; the new owners had got the house renovated. the balcony's gone, the front gate and door are changed, the windows arent the same anymore. at least, the outline of the house remains.

i dont know how to end this post. go figure.

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